SpongeBob & GPS out the window - inside story of pre-season

"I've had boys being caught driving round the stadium with their GPS hanging out the window, claiming they've done 5K in 16 minutes."

Pre-season training isn't the place for the faint hearted.

The days of running up and down sand dunes in the mid-1970s may be over. Long fortnights in Largs have since been switched for private jets, Austrian training camps and sports science.

However, it still plays a hugely pivotal role in the outcome of a team's season. With many teams returning already to hit the training pitch, how are they put together, and what happens to get teams ready?

So, while players are off sunning themselves in some picture perfect beach club, or perhaps playing Ludo with the kids on a staycation at a midgie-infested glamping site, back at base camp there will be some poor sod plotting their return.

Enter stage left, Livingston manager David Martindale.

With the break between the season finishing and preparation for the next shortening by the year, you'd think it would be difficult for players to allow their fitness to slide too much. Right?

Well, Martindale is one of many managers who will make sure their players aren't coming back battling the holiday bulge.

"It's changed now," he told BBC Scotland. "The boys will have a two-week programme before they come back into the club, so when they come back in, they're not a million miles away from when they left the club.

"They'll be given 5Ks, they'll be given 10Ks, they'll be given some mobility exercises, and light gym work.

"You might have boys that have, how do I put this, had a better summer than others. So, it's important that you don't treat it in a general way… so the players come in, we test them, check their body fats, check their body weights and then adjust the programme accordingly."

Footballers are professionals, so let's go on the notion every single one of them watches what they eat and drink and follows the holiday programme to the letter.

But what happens if that maybe hasn't happened?

"I've had everything," said Martindale. "But they're only cheating themselves. You find out very quickly on the first day back if they've been telling porkies.

"I remember one player telling me he had an all-inclusive two weeks in Mexico, I said, 'well, you're going to have to get out and you're going to have to go run, you're going to have to watch what you're eating slightly, you're going to have to watch what you're doing'.

"He came back in, I think his body fat had nearly doubled, and he'd put on about 8kg, and from that moment onwards he was playing catch up. He went out on loan two weeks later…"

Martindale says he's not all old school when it comes to pre-season training. After the first day test, the footballs are out and friendlies will soon be played.

Livingston are off to the Netherlands this summer with their boss saying finding the right location for a trip is crucial.

"One year we went to Hungary, and I think it was like 40 degrees," he added. "The first couple of sessions weren't bad, then the last ones after that, it was just taking the energy straight away from the boys, so the element of the weather can play a part in your training intensity."

Livingston won't be the only team heading abroad to get rid for the rigours of the season. In fact, dozens of sides across the UK will be doing the same.

So, what goes into planning such a trip?

"Once the board and the manager determine there's going to be one, the manager would normally tell me where he would like to go," Karen Castello, Kilmarnock's club secretary, explains.

"Once a venue's available and we have a hotel, then obviously flights or ferries have to be organised. Then we have to also gather everyone's passport details and ensure they're all valid within the six months of travel.

"From laundry, dealing with the food that the sports scientists advise, it's never-ending. Also, within the hotel we also have to arrange meeting rooms, physio rooms, private rooms, private dining…"

While Castello is in charge of the logistics after listening to the manager's wish list, clubs can also pull in agents to pull together the perfect trip.

During the jaunt, which is typically around one week, players will also get some down time. And if anyone fancies a round of golf, then you guessed it, Castello has to organise this too.

"It's also good when you've got fresh players coming in as well," said Castello of the social benefit of going away for pre-season.

"It's the only time you actually get a chance to actually get to meet the boys on a daily basis.

"I mean, I see them here at the club, obviously, but it's good to get to know them. It's really nice because you get to see the personal side as well."

So we've heard from a manager and a club secretary, but what about those who are being put through their paces in a bid to ready themselves for the new season?

It may seem a bundle of laughs jetting away. Maybe to Spain, maybe to Portugal, maybe to the United States to get your photo taken with SpongeBob Squarepants like Rangers did back in 2018.

But this is where the hard graft begins, and as Martindale alluded to, there's nowhere to hide.

"My first full-time pre-season I'd did the runs on Gullane sands with Livingston. Thankfully that's long gone, because I don't think I could have done 17, 18 of them," said Motherwell midfielder Andy Halliday.

"We're very lucky to do what we do, but everyone sort of dreads that first day back in pre-season because they know they're going to be putting in the tough yards.

"But after it's done you obviously always feel the benefits for it and you know you're better off for it as a player and obviously as a team as well."

"We were in Holland last year, I've been to Marbella, I've been to Portugal so we're really lucky to be going to nice places with warm weather as we're not blessed with brilliant weather here in Glasgow and in Scotland so I think it's always nice to get a bit of sun on your back as well."

In saying that Halliday's pre-season experiences haven't always gone to plan…he remembers one trip for all the wrong reasons.

"It was either my first or my second season at Hearts, and we played a friendly against a Spanish team and there was a 22-man brawl," he recalls.

"I think there was about 12 sending offs and the game got cancelled after 30 minutes. That was the only game we had in that week of pre-season and the trip away so we ended up not even having a game but we started the season well so it didn't really matter."